Smarty pants

So, I got the word today from Steph that my lil bug made the Kindergarten Honor Roll. I didn't know there was such a thing, but there is, and he's on it. He is so smart! Always has been. I can't believe the lil guy I raised for 4 and a half years is almost six now and a Kindergarten genius. Not to mention a star at his kung fu school and rockin the piano lessons. I miss him! In honor of this...honor, a picture of DJ on his first day of Preschool:

Sometimes, when I listen to a song, I'm struck by how much the lyrics remind me of how I felt at some point in my life, or even how I am feeling at that present moment. Kris Allen's album came out today, and his song "The Truth" couldn't be more true to how I think both Todd and I felt when we decided to split up and get a divorce.

Lyin' next to you
Wishing I could disappear
Let you fall asleep
And vanish out into thin air

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it.
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads.
And we don't believe it.

Tryin' to be perfect
Tryin' not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
while the floors underneath our feet are crumbling
The walls we built together tumblin'
I still stand here holdin' up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

I still keep your photographs
I remember how we used to laugh
I can keep on losin' sleep
If you're okay with being torn in half.

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it.
It's an avalanche that looms above our heads
But we don't believe it.

Tryin' to be perfect, tryin' not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet are crumblin'
The walls we built together tumblin'
I still stand here holdin' up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in.
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin.

Oh yeah...

Tryin' to be perfect, tryin' not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet are crumblin'
The walls we built together tumblin'
I still stand here holdin' up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

It's easier than telling the truth...

The lines:
Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in.
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin.

so completely describe how those days felt, when we were trying to decide what to do.

The Truth - Kris Allen

Because I was told to do this...

50 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me [But Now You Do]

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Probably some CD's, a book, my reuseable grocery bags, maybe a jacket, a few other odds and ends

2. What's your favorite curse word? I don't have one

3. Name 3 people who made you smile today? I didn't see anyone today

4. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? sleeping

5. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? watching TV

6. Have you ever been to a strip club? No

7. What is the last thing you said aloud? Probably something to the dogs

8. What is the best ice cream flavor? I don't eat ice cream

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water

10. What are you wearing right now? gray pants, white shirt

11. What was the last thing you ate? Turkey sandwich

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Yes, I got Christmas pajamas a couple days ago

13. When was the last time you ran? I don't run. It hurts my back.

14. What's the last sporting event you watched? Seahawks game yesterday. So sad.

15. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook? Either Jessica or Chandra

16. Ever go camping? Yes

17. Do you have a tan? No

18. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Sometimes

19. What did your last text message say? Ummm.... "Definitely"

20. Are you someone's best friend? Yes

21. What are you doing tomorrow? Going home to my grandparents house for a little while, going by my storage unit to drop some things off and try to find a couple things, then back here to do some homework.

22. where is your mom right now? At home, probably watching TV

23. Look to your left, what do you see? Printer

24. What color is your watch? I don't have one, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting one for Christmas

25. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Bekka. She was obsessed with it and wanted to go so badly in her lifetime. She never made it because her life was cut very short, very suddenly.

26. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes

27. What is your birthstone? Diamond

28. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I am trying not to eat fast food anymore

29. What is your favorite number? 7, 11

30. Do you have a dog? Not officially, but I am a caretaker for 2 Anatolian Shepherds.

31. Last person you talked to on the phone? My mom

32. Have you met anyone famous? Yep

33. Any plans today? Today is almost over. I did a little grocery shopping, did the laundry, and some homework

34. How many states have you lived in? 3, Washington, Connecticut, and Maryland. In that order (then back to Washington and back to Maryland and back to Washington again!)

35. Ever go to college? Yes, right after high school, that lasted for 9 months, and now I'm going back, after 10 years.

36. Where are you right now? Bedroom

37. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? It's hard to say, there are a few things bothering me

38. Last song listened to? Take A Bow - Lea Michele (Glee Cast)

39. Are you allergic to anything? A bunch of stuff

40. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? I lost my favorite shoes in this last move. They are in storage somewhere.

41. Are you jealous of anyone? Not that I can think of.

42. Is anyone jealous of you? I doubt it

43. Do you love anyone? Yes

44. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

45. Do you eat healthy? Getting better about it

46. What do you usually do during the day? homework, take care of the animals, help my family, housework

47. Do you hate anyone right now? No. Hate Accomplishes nothing.

48. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes

50. How did you get one of your scars? I have a bunch of tiny scars on my stomach from 2 separate surgeries for 2 totally unrelated things.

Rain

The occasional rainy day is kinda nice. It makes everything smell fresh, keeps things green, the air clean. However, when it rains for days, weeks, on end, I really begin to hate the rain. I realize that I live in Washington, 4th generation, I choose to be here. I have also lived in other places, other states, and for all the differences there are, there is one common factor: Rain. No matter where I have lived, where I have visited, it rains. I know there are places in this world where rain is rare, and some places where it rains every single day. When we lived in Connecticut, it was winter, so mostly, it only snowed, but that's just colder, stickier, more slippery rain. In Maryland, it rained A LOT. In Japan, it rained every day we were there, but it was their rainy season. Here in Washington, it barely rained all summer, but since we hit september, it rains at least 3-4 days a week, if not every day. Sometimes, its nice during the day and only rains at night, but it rains. Its cold outside, being almost winter, which makes the rain more miserable, for some reason. I can't go outside and take a walk. Well, I could, but I tend to get sick when I do that. Ok, ok, enough about rain. I can't escape it.

Life is...well, life. School keeps me extremely busy, and when I'm not buried in homework, I'm taking care of the animals (who also don't like the rain, by the way), or going home to help my mom with my grandparents. Sometimes I get a break and get to visit my best friend, Jessica, but that doesn't happen as often as I would like. Thanksgiving is just a week away and Christmas is just a few weeks after that.

Thanksgiving is going to be amazing. It's one of my favorite days of the year. I get to see all my family, there will be close to 60 people this year. I volunteered to make Pumpkin Muffins, so that will be fun. My grandma's family is Swedish, so there is so much food and everyone is talking and laughing. Sometimes we play games, and the night usually ends with all of us sitting around, watching slides of family photos. Some from way back when my great-grandparents were still alive, to the most current family photos. It's so great to see the history, the fun we've all had over the years. See the loved ones we have lost. Last year, on Thanksgiving, we lost my great-aunt Dorothy. She was my grandma's oldest sister and such a sweet lady. I was in Maryland last Thanksgiving, and it was nice, but not the same.

I am hoping to be able to see some of my dad's family over the holidays, this year. I have never met any of them, other than my dad. I have talked to my Aunt, on facebook, but I hope to meet her soon and my grandmother too. Maybe my uncles and some cousins, one of these days. Family is the most important thing!

Ok, I have a paper due for Geography on Agricultural Biotechnology, that I need to get back to. I would be out taking a walk, but it's RAINING!!!

Mid-Terms, Winter Q, and the future, oh my!

So, Friday was mid-term, which, really, it's not the middle of the term, so I don't understand why it's mid-terms, but whatever. I just do the homework, I don't make the schedule. I have no idea how I did, but I'm not too worried.

Registration for Winter Quarter is tomorrow morning at 7:30, so I've set my alarm to wake up at 7:30, even though I will probably go back to sleep as soon as I'm done. That's just too early. In any event, it looks like Winter Q will be Math, Anthropology and Intro to Poetry. I want to take a drama class, but the prof has gotten really bad reviews and sounds kinda scary, so I will wait on that one til I talk to my dad and see if he knows him and what he thinks.

The future...yikes. Only 5 months left til the scary 3-0. Why is it scary? Because 30 seems so OLD!!! Maybe because I'm divorced, I have no kids, no social life, blah blah, etc.

Why is it everytime I sit down to blog, my brain goes blank and I can't remember what I wanted to say in the first place?! Either that, or I get interrupted. Oh well. Maybe I will try again later...

Explanation

Just to clear up the whole pseudo-parent, raising a kid, but not having a kid, issue, here goes:

In October 2004, my Ex was in charge of a bunch of younger corpsman at the Naval Hospital in Bremerton. One of them was a single mom (ok, most of them are single moms), who had lost her childcare for her son. Since I wasn't working (just volunteering at the hospital), he told me that I would be taking care of DJ, who was 7 months old. It was just supposed to be for a couple weeks, until a spot opened up at the daycare. The rest is history.

DJ is such an amazing kid. I asked if I could keep watching him, and a little less than a year into that, his mom found out she was going to be sent to Japan for a few years. She could take DJ and stay for 3 years, or go alone and only stay for 2. She chose to go without him, and instead of sending him to live with her parents (who she does not get along with), she chose to leave DJ with my Ex and I. About this same time, we were moving to Connecticut, which lasted a whole 6 months, then we moved to Maryland. That's a whole different story.

Anyway, a year into the 2 years that she was gone, my Ex and I decided to split. Our marriage had been falling apart almost from the beginning. Again, that's a whole other story. Also around that time, my Ex found out he was deploying to the desert, so DJ and I packed up and moved back to Washington, and I raised him on my own, with the help of my family.

When it was time to come back from Japan, we ended up back in the same place in Maryland. I was going to help DJ get adjusted to having his mom back and then come home. It had been 3 and a half years, and even though I had an unbreakable bond with this little boy, his mom had to learn how to be a mom at some point. The Navy had other ideas. A few months after she had been home, they informed her that she would be deploying to Africa.

So, DJ and I settled into Maryland and I once again became a single pseudo-mom. His mom came home from deployment with a fiance, and they got married a few months later. At this point, I was making arrangements to leave and come home for good. She didn't need me anymore. Well, she does, but not really.

Leaving DJ has been one of the hardest things I've done in my whole life. After four and a half years, it's like giving your child away. It was even harder for DJ. He loves his mom and step-dad, but they are clueless and way too wrapped up in their own drama to give DJ the attention he deserves. For the first few months, he would call me, crying, begging me to come back. He's stopped doing that now, but when we talk, he still says he misses me and almost starts to cry.

I raised that kid, on my own. He is as close to mine as I'm going to get any time soon. I love him more than anything. And he's 3000 miles away. I know I did what was best for everyone, but its hard sometimes. I don't get to share all those milestones anymore. I miss his first day of Kindergarten this fall, I'm missing holidays, I'm missing everything. We talk almost once a week, but I miss him and it's heartbreaking sometimes.

This is a very rambling blog, but it's a hard situation to explain. Basically, I raised someone else's child, and then had to give him back.

October 27, 2007

October 27, 2007 was a Saturday. I had been living in Maryland a little over 2 weeks. Steph and I just found a place in Laurel and signed a lease, but we were still living with Todd in Germantown. That particular Saturday started like any other. We took DJ, who was 3-and-a-half at the time, and headed over to Laurel to get some things for the house, unload my car, all the stuff I drove cross-country with. We went to Target and got a bunch of basic stuff for the house, paper towels, toilet paper, trash cans, that kinda stuff. By the time we were done, it was lunch time and DJ was hungry. In the same parking lot, there was this place called chik-fil-a. We were new to the east coast, but DJ likes chicken, so we figured why not. So, we ordered and sat down and just as they called our number and Steph went to pick up the tray, my phone rang. I never answer during a meal, but something told me it was important. I saw my best friends number on the screen and I answered. Her panicked voice told me "my dad just called, he thinks Bekka's dead". This is really one of those "say what?!" kind of moments. She was frantic, saying her dad went to wake Bekka up and he couldn't. Then she had to go, because she was driving the 5 minutes between her apartment and her dad's house and she could hear the sirens of the ambulance and police. I was confused, numb, really scared. I just sat there and ate my chicken sandwich in silence. Steph figured the best thing to do would be to distract me, so we looked for furniture. She didn't have much sympathy, but she has never really lost someone close to her, so I don't think she understood. We got back to the town house and walked around, trying to decide where things should go. Then my best friend called me back. This was probably 3 hours after she originally called me. She said there were waiting for the medical examiner to come. The first words I said were "So, it's true?" Jess said yes and tried to explain to me that her dad had gone up to wake Bekka up to see if she wanted breakfast and she had died in her sleep.

It took 18 weeks to get the toxicology results back, with no real answers. Rebekka's heart had simply stopped, while she was sleeping. How is that even possible? She had just turned 19 a couple months before, she was healthy. There is absolutely no logical reason for her to have died.

I know things happen for a reason and some would say it was just her time to go. Some would say that God needed her back. I say it sucks. She had her whole life ahead of her. She was so talented and beautiful and I had known her since she was 5 years old. It shouldn't be this way.

I love you Bekka and I miss you every day. I can't believe two years have gone by since you left us, the pain is so fresh, it feels like only yesterday. My heart breaks for your sister, my best friend, who still can't put into words the grief that she feels. For your dad, who still carries so much anger and guilt, even though he did nothing wrong.

All I can think is that it shouldn't be this way. Losing someone close to you is hard enough, but to lose someone so young, so vital, in such a sudden, unthinkable way. It's too much.

Rebekka
8/29/88 - 10/27/07

Heart Heart Heartbreak

I guess this is my official confession: I am depressed.

I don't know if it's the sudden weather change from sunny summer to very gray rainy fall. I don't know if it's the insanity of school. I don't know if it's that I still haven't really opened myself up to deal with my divorce. I just don't know. I do know that I'm unhappy, I'm exhausted, and I would like to stay in bed all day.

The good news is that I am getting out of bed everyday, pretty early too. I am getting all my schoolwork done. I'm getting A's in all three classes. I am keeping up with my other obligations. I even find time to help with things outside my realm of obligations.

I think part of it is that I'm really, truly missing my little boy, for the first time since I left in May. I know DJ is not my real son, but I raised him for over four years. When I first left, I was so burned out, so tired of dealing with his mother and step-father, I couldn't wait to get away. Now, he's miserable, because they are so wrapped up in themselves, he doesn't get much attention, and I'm missing him like crazy.

I spend a lot of time alone these days. I have the dogs and cats, but I don't have a lot of people interaction. That can make a person depressed, maybe?

The 27th marks 2 years since we lost Bekka. That is beyond depressing. It's still hard to believe she is gone. She had a whole life ahead of her. My best friend is her older sister, so she is really having a hard time right now and I'm trying to keep it together, so I can be there for her, but it's hard. Fortunately, we can laugh at all the adventures and trouble we got into when we were younger.

I will get better. I'm working through it.

school has begun

Classes at GRCC started last week. It was in the 80's, which is bizarre, since it was officially Fall. This week is more "normal". It's 55, rainy and windy today, even hailing a bit. I'm trying to get my homework done, just in case it gets any stormier and the internet gets knocked out, but I had to take a break.

I have 3 classes and so much homework. It's really insane how much reading and writing I have to do. I don't think they expect college students to sleep. There really isn't time and I'm not even working right now. If I had a job on top of all this? I would never sleep.

Alright, back to English Comp homework...

ramblings

I'm not quite sure how, but it's September. Mid-September! Classes start in a week. Life is about to get a whole lot busier. I'm hoping to hear about a couple jobs I have applied for. I need work badly.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm home for the weekend and my family doesn't give me much time to myself.

Please check out the link to "Confessions of a Single Pseudo-Parent" in the list of blogs I'm following. That was my previous blog. Since I'm no longer a pseudo-parent, I have this one now, but that has my life prior to this May.

Off to do whatever Grandma wants me to do....

Bekka

This Saturday evening, 29 August 2009, I should be getting ready for a crazy night out. I should be celebrating with friends, Bekka's 21st birthday. A momentous occasion, everyone should have a chance to celebrate. Instead, I'm home, mourning the loss of one of my closest friends. Bekka was like a little sister to me. I have known her since she was 5 years old. Almost 2 years ago, she passed away, for no good reason. There was no accident, she wasn't sick. She just didn't wake up. Yes, it's a peaceful way to go, but she was only 19! She barely got to start college, she will never celebrate her 21st, her 30th, she will never get married, have kids. October will be 2 years that she has been gone, but sometimes it feels like just yesterday and some days, it's hard to grasp that she is gone at all. We should all be getting ready to celebrate and instead, we are mourning.

Happy 21st Bekka! I love you and miss you soooooo much!!!

Love Drunk

Yes, after 9 years of marriage (3 years of that separated), I am divorced. It was mostly a mutual decision, so I'm mostly okay with it. I heard (and now have as my ringtone) this fantastic song by Boyslikegirls called Love Drunk. The chorus and bridge in particular are rather fitting, I think...


I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over
I’ll love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it’s just a bar fight
So don’t call me crazy
Say hello to goodbye
Cause just one sip would make me sick
I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over
I’ll love you forever, but now it’s over

All the time I wasted on you; All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab cause everything that we had didn't mean a thing to you.

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over
I love you forever, but now I'm sober

(See, I'm blogging more already!)

Oops...

So, I didn't exactly forget I have a blog, I just got really busy when I got home, and didn't make the time to remember to blog. Does that make sense?

In any event, I made it all the way cross-country, was home for a week before I went to Vegas for a week. Since the end of June, I have just been home, working, looking for better work, getting enrolled and ready to go back to college full-time, and catching up with my family and friends. It's been insane.

Here it is the end of August, I'm working as a full-time house/dog-sitter for a friend who travels every week for work. It's a good deal for me, because I don't have my own room here at home, but I have one at the other house. I like having my own space.

School starts 21 September and I have nervous and excited to be going back. I have English Composition, Math, and Geography to look forward to this quarter. I just applied for a new job at St. F, as a telephone operator. It's an on-call job, which will allow me to work at a decent wage, but not so many hours, so I can keep up with school. It has good options for job advancement, so I'm hoping that works out.

Life without DJ has been a trip. After having him for four and a half years, it's just bizarre sometimes to have the freedom to go out to eat or go to a movie. Stay up late and know you don't have a little one who is going to wake you up at 6:30am. He just started Kindergarten this week, which is also a trip, because I can't believe he is that old! He's my little bug, he can't possibly be old enough for school!

Ok, so my divorce was final at the end of June, but the stupid people in Maryland forgot that I requested to go back to my maiden name, and didn't process it as such. So, if you catch me with 2 different last names in places, it's because I thought I was going back to Riley, but I'm stuck with Holman. Grrr!!!

I will get back on the ball with blogging. I remember my facebook, I remember twitter, but blogging...bad Megan.

I will post some pics soon, I have a bunch from this summer, but not the time to sort through them right now. Soon.

Days one and two

We left Laurel, Maryland around 8:30am Monday and had a very easy, no traffic drive all the way to Florence, South Carolina, arriving around 5pm. We had a casual dinner and then relaxed and ended up going to bed pretty early.

Tuesday (today), we got up, had a nice breakfast at the hotel and set out for our day. We were headed to Charleston, but decided to take the long route and see Myrtle Beach. We got a bit turned around and didn't see as much as I would have liked, but it was another nice day. It was raining this morning, but by the time we got to Sullivan's Island, it was bright and sunny.


We visited Fort Moultrie on Sullivan's Island. Among it's many purposes between 1776 and 1947, Fort Moultrie is probably most famous for firing the shot on Fort Sumter that started the Civil War. It was cool to visit and with the breeze off the ocean, the weather was perfect.

We are now settled into a hotel in Charleston for tonight. We will be here for a few days, but tomorrow, we move to a different hotel. My mom has a vacation package as a resort here in Charleston. We will be visiting some very cool things at Patriots Point tomorrow.

The view of Fort Sumter from Fort Moultrie.

I am working on a final project for my preschool kids, even though school is out. We did a project with a little paper guy named Flat Stanley, and I brought him along on this journey. So, if you see a little paper guy in some pictures, it's our friend Flat Stanley. He will have his very own blog soon, but just until this trip is done.

Yes, I miss DJ, but I am so happy to be on the journey home. I can't wait to see what the future has in store.

2 weeks

On May 25th, I will leave Maryland, to drive back to Washington and basically start a new life. No kid to raise, that's his mother's job now. Stay tuned for cross-country drive adventures and what happens when I get back to Washington.