Explanation

Just to clear up the whole pseudo-parent, raising a kid, but not having a kid, issue, here goes:

In October 2004, my Ex was in charge of a bunch of younger corpsman at the Naval Hospital in Bremerton. One of them was a single mom (ok, most of them are single moms), who had lost her childcare for her son. Since I wasn't working (just volunteering at the hospital), he told me that I would be taking care of DJ, who was 7 months old. It was just supposed to be for a couple weeks, until a spot opened up at the daycare. The rest is history.

DJ is such an amazing kid. I asked if I could keep watching him, and a little less than a year into that, his mom found out she was going to be sent to Japan for a few years. She could take DJ and stay for 3 years, or go alone and only stay for 2. She chose to go without him, and instead of sending him to live with her parents (who she does not get along with), she chose to leave DJ with my Ex and I. About this same time, we were moving to Connecticut, which lasted a whole 6 months, then we moved to Maryland. That's a whole different story.

Anyway, a year into the 2 years that she was gone, my Ex and I decided to split. Our marriage had been falling apart almost from the beginning. Again, that's a whole other story. Also around that time, my Ex found out he was deploying to the desert, so DJ and I packed up and moved back to Washington, and I raised him on my own, with the help of my family.

When it was time to come back from Japan, we ended up back in the same place in Maryland. I was going to help DJ get adjusted to having his mom back and then come home. It had been 3 and a half years, and even though I had an unbreakable bond with this little boy, his mom had to learn how to be a mom at some point. The Navy had other ideas. A few months after she had been home, they informed her that she would be deploying to Africa.

So, DJ and I settled into Maryland and I once again became a single pseudo-mom. His mom came home from deployment with a fiance, and they got married a few months later. At this point, I was making arrangements to leave and come home for good. She didn't need me anymore. Well, she does, but not really.

Leaving DJ has been one of the hardest things I've done in my whole life. After four and a half years, it's like giving your child away. It was even harder for DJ. He loves his mom and step-dad, but they are clueless and way too wrapped up in their own drama to give DJ the attention he deserves. For the first few months, he would call me, crying, begging me to come back. He's stopped doing that now, but when we talk, he still says he misses me and almost starts to cry.

I raised that kid, on my own. He is as close to mine as I'm going to get any time soon. I love him more than anything. And he's 3000 miles away. I know I did what was best for everyone, but its hard sometimes. I don't get to share all those milestones anymore. I miss his first day of Kindergarten this fall, I'm missing holidays, I'm missing everything. We talk almost once a week, but I miss him and it's heartbreaking sometimes.

This is a very rambling blog, but it's a hard situation to explain. Basically, I raised someone else's child, and then had to give him back.

October 27, 2007

October 27, 2007 was a Saturday. I had been living in Maryland a little over 2 weeks. Steph and I just found a place in Laurel and signed a lease, but we were still living with Todd in Germantown. That particular Saturday started like any other. We took DJ, who was 3-and-a-half at the time, and headed over to Laurel to get some things for the house, unload my car, all the stuff I drove cross-country with. We went to Target and got a bunch of basic stuff for the house, paper towels, toilet paper, trash cans, that kinda stuff. By the time we were done, it was lunch time and DJ was hungry. In the same parking lot, there was this place called chik-fil-a. We were new to the east coast, but DJ likes chicken, so we figured why not. So, we ordered and sat down and just as they called our number and Steph went to pick up the tray, my phone rang. I never answer during a meal, but something told me it was important. I saw my best friends number on the screen and I answered. Her panicked voice told me "my dad just called, he thinks Bekka's dead". This is really one of those "say what?!" kind of moments. She was frantic, saying her dad went to wake Bekka up and he couldn't. Then she had to go, because she was driving the 5 minutes between her apartment and her dad's house and she could hear the sirens of the ambulance and police. I was confused, numb, really scared. I just sat there and ate my chicken sandwich in silence. Steph figured the best thing to do would be to distract me, so we looked for furniture. She didn't have much sympathy, but she has never really lost someone close to her, so I don't think she understood. We got back to the town house and walked around, trying to decide where things should go. Then my best friend called me back. This was probably 3 hours after she originally called me. She said there were waiting for the medical examiner to come. The first words I said were "So, it's true?" Jess said yes and tried to explain to me that her dad had gone up to wake Bekka up to see if she wanted breakfast and she had died in her sleep.

It took 18 weeks to get the toxicology results back, with no real answers. Rebekka's heart had simply stopped, while she was sleeping. How is that even possible? She had just turned 19 a couple months before, she was healthy. There is absolutely no logical reason for her to have died.

I know things happen for a reason and some would say it was just her time to go. Some would say that God needed her back. I say it sucks. She had her whole life ahead of her. She was so talented and beautiful and I had known her since she was 5 years old. It shouldn't be this way.

I love you Bekka and I miss you every day. I can't believe two years have gone by since you left us, the pain is so fresh, it feels like only yesterday. My heart breaks for your sister, my best friend, who still can't put into words the grief that she feels. For your dad, who still carries so much anger and guilt, even though he did nothing wrong.

All I can think is that it shouldn't be this way. Losing someone close to you is hard enough, but to lose someone so young, so vital, in such a sudden, unthinkable way. It's too much.

Rebekka
8/29/88 - 10/27/07

Heart Heart Heartbreak

I guess this is my official confession: I am depressed.

I don't know if it's the sudden weather change from sunny summer to very gray rainy fall. I don't know if it's the insanity of school. I don't know if it's that I still haven't really opened myself up to deal with my divorce. I just don't know. I do know that I'm unhappy, I'm exhausted, and I would like to stay in bed all day.

The good news is that I am getting out of bed everyday, pretty early too. I am getting all my schoolwork done. I'm getting A's in all three classes. I am keeping up with my other obligations. I even find time to help with things outside my realm of obligations.

I think part of it is that I'm really, truly missing my little boy, for the first time since I left in May. I know DJ is not my real son, but I raised him for over four years. When I first left, I was so burned out, so tired of dealing with his mother and step-father, I couldn't wait to get away. Now, he's miserable, because they are so wrapped up in themselves, he doesn't get much attention, and I'm missing him like crazy.

I spend a lot of time alone these days. I have the dogs and cats, but I don't have a lot of people interaction. That can make a person depressed, maybe?

The 27th marks 2 years since we lost Bekka. That is beyond depressing. It's still hard to believe she is gone. She had a whole life ahead of her. My best friend is her older sister, so she is really having a hard time right now and I'm trying to keep it together, so I can be there for her, but it's hard. Fortunately, we can laugh at all the adventures and trouble we got into when we were younger.

I will get better. I'm working through it.